Drawing needs a lot of time

When I’m done with my work, was thinking maybe I should do something with the deviant art nightmare contest drawing. Then I saw another contest just launched yesterday, thus I decided to do this for warming up instead. Started off after dinner, from research to sketching to line art etc etc, till wrap up and output, submit, the time was 2230. 3 hours. Just wanna say that I can’t no longer afford to immerse as many time as I am willing to for an artwork nowadays. Had a chat with friends about this lately about my approach with my works, or as an artist, how my view and perspective has changed through out the years, until lately, it has become more traceable that I am more aware of the pattern. When I was in my youth I have nothing but time, my flight of fancy, my day dream. I can afford to dive into drawing without paying attention to any other thing. I had so much joy yet I had so little knowledge. Drawing is a playing, without purpose or method but free.

Then I came to the art college, learning to understand art, being taught the meaning behind the drawing, everything become technical and intentional, at times critical. Art is no longer a mere draw-what-you-want, but with objective, and to achieve that, there are certain ways o sharpen the skill, like any young wild mind that hunger for purpose, I was excited when being told there is a how art can be a trading tool to make a living. However those understandings were still at very elementary level. Set off into the real world, through working and industry training, art become even more linear, We do what we were told, by managers, by clients, by bosses. For I was trained as an illustrator, mostly for commercial purpose. Money. It was pretty direct and easy to grasp especially when I was young and thinking conservatively, money is the ultimate goal. This mindset is very shortsighted but I wouldn't know, I would stand by for any last minute call for the job, or any revision, I would sacrifice myself for my pride.

So much time was pumped in for producing the works that doesn’t belong to me, solely for commercial purpose, to tell a story, to support the campaign, to strengthen the branding, to optimize the advertisement, there are many guidelines to follow in order for the works to be usable. requirement standard resolutions, layers… drawing is not a play but a task of functionality. it requires more processing power to deliver compare with the initial idea of pencil on paper. Thus the fun part is missing, for many years. I’ve started to dislike the job as an illustrator though at the same time I took pride in it, for I bought in a false promise, " Focus on your art and skill, do what you love, believe in your dream, for it will bring you success in life." That's actually an oversimplified concept of art and the real world. At least from my own journey, this promise never deliver. And I was pretty resentful about it. I was chasing a vague ideal which is not even exist.

I switched many times to different environments, and industries, from advertising to photography to film production to game development. All with the chase of searching something more than what the opportunity can offer, perhaps a greater purpose? more users? After several attempts with different projects and different people, I gave up finding meaning in whatever I was doing with this skills. I wasn't going anywhere, for that's it. My art universe is rather small. Different setting, but doing same thing, for different usage maybe, but same routine. Something is not right.

Yea I mean I was being delusional about all these pursuits. It is meaningless, in fact it is meaningless. I took myself too highly, and also too lowly. I over estimated my talents, yet at the same time I disregarded myself as an artist.

To live as an artist (not making a living as an artist), particularly do things other doesn't, the cost is much more higher. I need solitude. Disengagement with people, for a period of time at least, to pounder, to experiment, to brew, to let the spark starts the fire and let it burn a bit longer. The hardest part for this type of artist is that he need to face himself. Good. bad, ugly, dark, and come to the point of accepting himself as a person, as a whole self. Then all these realizations will clash with one another and find the sweet spot to coexist or fuse... I don't know what the process called, some says 'aging' like the wine; some say 'sitting' like a dough. But it feel more like a caudle on the fire or pressure cooker to me, the chaotic one. I don't wanna say like a chef, but 'like a chef' is sufficient.

Now almost all my works are intentional but the intention are not mine. And that is the huge problem, because there is no 'me' in the works that I did which is the nature of commercial things. it has my shadow, has my trait, it can have my body but never my love, I'll have to admit now that I don't think I've impart any of my soul into that drawing. Of cos it won't share my feeling, it is just a shell. It is not personal, it's a business. Artist, is a title that no longer have the halo that let me feel special. It is just a job.

Okay come back to the title, 'drawing need a lot of time', time is no longer my privilege anymore. Thus change of strategy is eminent. I can't afford to do lengthy huge piece, I shall just do it as a under privileged artist, do the small piece something that make myself happy that doesn't demand all of my life.

After I have wasted so much time doing stuff that I by core do not bother, stop complaining why it couldn't bring me to anywhere. Even it can go anywhere, I'm afraid it is not me who is going to follow through.

Anyway, that probably is the reason why there is so few artists left.

These old drawing are nothing much, but they have my soul.